The Fear of Returning to Work | End of Maternity Leave

Hey hey!

A slightly random, and no doubt irrelevant post for the majority of you reading this (if you don't have children that is). Tomorrow marks the end of my maternity leave which I honestly cannot believe, admittedly I am going back slightly earlier than the 9 months I'd planned to have off, however it's still gone stupidly quick. 

I'd been toying between so many different scenarios recently, do I go back to my old place which pays less but I'm in a routine there, I know what I'm doing, I feel comfortable, or do I try something completely new which pays better, but I will feel a lot less comfortable. If it wasn't for Alfie I would have 100% opted for the first scenario, but now I've got him I have to put his needs at the forefront of my mind, so I decided to go for a brand new job, which I briefly spoke about in my last post. It's still within education, but I will be in a new setting, and the age is quite new to me (it's been a while since I looked after multiple babies!)

Id been getting myself in such a state, with the heightened hormones (still!) and fear of the unknown. I remember on a few occasions id be home alone with Alf trying to figure out what I wanted to do and not having a clue. Getting upset because I knew I had to put Alfie first, and doing so meaning things had to change. Don't get me wrong, this isn't necessarily a bad thing and I will always put Alfie first regardless, but for someone who is so anxious about change, the fear of the unknown terrified me. 

That and the mum guilt. Id like to think I'm quite a tough cookie, I'm not attached to Alf (not overly, anyway) and I think working in a nursery and helping to settle children into a new setting has kinda helped me with the mum guilt, I didn't mind leaving him at nursery for his settling in, he cried a little when I handed him over, but it didn't phase me one little bit. I guess I'm used to seeing it and dealing with it - and knew he would be fine in a matter of minutes, which he was. But good lord nothing prepares you for the mum guilt when you go back to work right?

You instantly feel like you're sacrificing valuable 'growing up' time. Time that you feel you should be spending with them, it's so hard to explain if you don't have children yourself. I sat down today and got his bag ready for his afternoons with his nan whilst I would be at work, and I actually wanted to cry a little. I suppose it's a fear of missing out, feeling sad that I have to go back to work to be able to provide for him, sad that as mothers you're only given a maximum of a year off of work to spend with them, for their ENTIRE lives, one fucking year, and 2 bloody weeks for dads!. That I have to be away from my child to be able to afford nappies and milk. For so long I was so excited about going back to work because of the routine, the social aspects of work, and suddenly I felt this huge fear just wash over me when I realised how much our current routine, and a comfortable one at that, is going to change.

How am I going to get myself ready in such a short space of time in the mornings? How am I going to get Alfie ready too? How am I even going to function so early in the morning on such little sleep? Or more importantly - how am I going to get to work on time? - Who bloody knows is the answer to that. It's that word isn't it, fear. Having a baby is challenging at the best of times, let alone juggling work on top of that. I hope once I'm in the swing of things I'll get us both into some sort of routine, I'm sure I will, but the fear is still there I suppose, the major mum guilt, and no doubt utter exhaustion. 

If you've had a baby and returned to work, or are planning too, I would fully appreciate a nod of agreement to know I'm not alone in feeling majorly guilty and anxious at the thought of this new stage of our lives. 

Soph, x

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Autumn Ready & Blogging Pals | Life Update

Is my photo giving you all of the autumnal feels?! When I was taking it I just sat looking at the dark burgundies drinking my tea thinking about how excited I am for autumn,haha, and realised I should probably do a little life update on this miserable rainy Thursday. 

I am SO ready for the colder months, you better believe I've bought a whole load of LUSH halloween products, spicy candles, (in fact as I write this I have a pumpkin spiced apple one burning, yum!) and wearing a dark berry lip shade, I don't know why but I associate them with this time of year, god forbid I wear a dark lip in summer! what am I like! 

I am loving just chilling at home with Alfie at the moment, don't get me wrong some days are better than others, last night he just would not stop crying and Id reached the end of my tether and Matt had to come home from skittles to help me out. Initially I wasn't sure about writing this on here but I kinda think I shouldn't gloss over the negatives and give the impression being a parent is really easy. Because its anything but, you do feel shit sometimes and it does get a bit much sometimes, but admitting it isn't a bad thing, if anything it makes things that little bit easier. Matt came home and I was able to just chill for a little while, which was SO needed. However now, Alfies happily sat next to me in his swing as I write this, giggling away at the rain hitting the window, hence why Im actually producing a blog post today!

Blogging has pretty much taken a step back recently which is super annoying, as it's something I really love doing but honestly if you don't have kids you wouldn't believe how little time you actually get to yourself. Ive lost count of how many cups of tea have gone stone cold because Alfie decided he was hungry or needed attention. But I'm getting there, he's sleeping pretty well so I don't need to sleep in the day now, which is hopefully going to mean I can get a few more posts out there, don't quote me on this in the future because no doubt Alfie will decide to be a little shit and this plan will turn to shit itself. haha.

Ive just had my final check at the doctors after having a baba and all is well! Im hoping on joining my local gym soon to get back in shape but I am absolutely terrified. I don't want to do it on my own because anxiety is an absolute bitch, but no one wants to join with me, so not sure what I'm going to do about that!

& finally, as I'm on maternity leave and have so much time to myself at the moment, I really want to meet up with other bloggers near me; I live about a 15 minute drive from Bath, essentially in a little village in the middle of no where, if you didn't live here, you wouldn't know it existed! But I really want to start meeting up with other bloggers that live nearby, it's highly unlikely any of you do live in the bath/bristol area, but if you do please do leave a little comment, I feel like a fellow makeup lover and photography pal would not only be super fabulous but imagine the brill photos we could take?! haha, priorities. (and all the tea that would be consumed!)

hope you're all doing well and having a lovely week;

Soph xo

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August | Instagram Photo Diary

August has been a pretty busy month for me, with trying to juggle to a new baby and every day life it's safe to say its been rather hectic. Although, looking back at my IG photos it would seem the month has consisted of bath products haha. August was the month I was actually allowed to use bath bombs again so of course.. I went a little crazy!

A girl can never have too many lipsticks right?! I purchased a few new shades this month, which I definitely didn't need but I like to tell myself I did. 

I wasn't lying when I said I stocked up on the bath bombs haha.. these were kindly given to me by my best pal, safe to say he knows me very well. Lush Cosmetics is my all time favourite bath product brand, everything smells amazing and you better believe my house smells like a lush shop right now. 

Alfie first outing in his push chair! He slept the entire journey, of course. we saw a few children from my work which was super lovely as well, they were pretty confused as to where this baby had suddenly come from, it was so sweet. Id like to say Alfie had a lovely time but honestly, I doubt he even realised he left the house!

Ive come to realisation this month that I seem to buy products that are pink just because I like the colour and think they're pretty?! I really, really need to stop doing this, but how can I when they look like this?! Again.. splurging on the bath products, oopsie! Soap and Glory is another favourite brand, their body wash especially being one of my absolute favourites, smells amazing.

 Mac also bought me a few new bath bombs this month which was super lovely of him. One of which being this little rocket which I think is fast becoming my favourite bath bomb, intergalactic aside! It's a slow fizzer and really frothy. I really want to try the jelly bombs which have just launched but I'm really not a fan of cleaning the bath afterwards. Im really very lazy, well now I have Alfie anyway!

& Finally, the main man himself. My little bean is now a month old, honestly not entirely sure what I've been doing this month for it to go SO bloody quickly. Alfie is now smiling away and is awake a lot longer throughout the day, he's starting to pay more attention to toys/rattles and is generally just a really, really happy little lad. Im very lucky. How cute is this photo though?! cannot. cope. You can read all about Alfies one month update HERE.

Sophxo

Alfie. | 1 Month Update

I know everyone is bound to say this but I genuinely cannot believe that Alfie is a month old?! Im really not sure where those 4 weeks have gone, it's gone so so quickly considering the days feel so bloody long because I'm so sleep deprived haha, but we're getting there, and I feel we're now pretty settled into mummy and baby life. 

SLEEP.

Yeah, gone are the days when I could go to sleep when I wanted, and get up when I wanted. Alfie generally has his last bottle before bed at around 10/11, we'll then pop him in his moses basket next to the bed and he'll sleep for about 4 hours now minimum, sometimes longer, before waking up for a bottle. He's actually a really good sleeper, he's slept up to 6 hours at most through the night which compared to my friends babies, is a bloody godsend haha. I think the more chilled out you are with the whole thing, the more chilled the baby is. He cuddles the same teddies at bedtime every night which I think has helped him associate them with going to sleep - if that makes sense? We were sent 3 gorgeous teddies from GUND which are part of their Jungle Friends range, honestly the softest teddies ever. They sent Alfie the Lion teddy, the Lion rattle, and the Lion puppet, his favourite is the rattle and he'll happily chew on this one as he slowly drifts off to sleep which I have to say, looks bloody adorable. He hasn't really shown much of an interest in any of his other teddies friends/family have given him, I'm thinking it's because the teddies from GUND are so soft, he seems to have a thing with really soft blankets too haha. We used teddies in his moses basket from birth so it was important we didn't use anything too scary looking or too brightly coloured as this would've just been a massive distraction and kept him awake rather than send him to sleep, the GUND toys we were sent were muted pastel colours so we had no problem there. I would really recommend sticking to certain teddies for bed time, as this has really helped with Alfie getting into a routine already. You can find the teddies pictured above HERE. the peter rabbit toys are bloody gorgeous and on my list to purchase. 

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.

They say that babies don't smile until they're around 6 weeks old, as I write this Alfie is just approaching 4 weeks old and he's already had his first smile. This isn't just wishful thinking on my part haha, I know what a 'wind' smile is now, and this was completely different - Matt was giving him kisses and he gave us the biggest grin, it was so lovely. theres nothing like your child's first smile. He's also more aware of whats around him now, his vision is a lot better (newborns are born with pretty shite vision) and he is recognising faces, he stares right into your eyes taking in everything which is lovely. He is also loving my fairy lights at the moment as I'm assuming the bright lights are pretty eye catching for him.

FEEDING.

Good lord do I have a hungry baby - he is always hungry. Definitely his mothers child haha. He's having 5 ounces of milk currently and near enough finishes the bottle each time, and he'll go about 3 hours before he decides he's hungry again - but I'm 100% sure that if I just kept feeding him he'd drink it all haha.. I shan't be doing that though don't you worry. But with being a greedy baby comes the constant sickiness and burping - Alfie isn't usually sick but when he is, good god it's like a fountain haha. We've had a few troubles with him not being able to bring up his wind - Infacol has been an absolute godsend with this and I honestly don't think we would've got through the first 2 weeks without it. He's a star now though, and burps away whenever his back is rubbed. 

I think I'm going to do one Alfie update every month - as I don't want this blog to become just a mummy blog, so keep an eye out for them and ill try my best to make sure I stick at it.

Sophxo

Snippets of Alfie's First 2 Weeks!

I honestly cannot believe that Alfie is now 3 weeks old, where the hell did that time go?! He's grown so much already which I love because he's got such a cheeky little personality which is developing every day.. but hate it just as much because my little baby isn't so little anymore. 

In case you missed it, I uploaded a 3 minute ish video of snippets from his first 2 weeks a few days ago, I absolutely LOVE this video, it's the sweetest thing. I think I'm going to carrying on with the video updates, for myself as memories but more so for Alfie when he's older.. let me know what you think.

Sophxo 

WATCH THE VIDEO HERE.

Introducing Alfie.

24th July 2017.

Alfie Stuart Dera was born, at 7.10am. 

.. and I had no idea I was even in labour. We rang our local hospital as I was getting what I thought were just constipation pains?! Mad looking back at it now, but they didn't feel like contractions - my waters hadn't broke, the 'plug' hadn't come away, and I had no back pain at all, so what I assumed contractions and labour to be like, it really wasn't at all.

We went in at 12.00am, thinking they would check me over and give me tablets for the pain and send me on my way; turns out I was actually 2cm dilated! the next few hours were a bit odd as we were advised to go back home but then told to stay as they just wanted to confirm something with the doctor - didn't actually see the bloke in the end though because I went into active labour so quick. We spent this time chilling in the 'relaxation room' which, wasn't all that relaxing. 

I was around 3cms dilated at 4am, so opted to jump in the bath and wait the next cm out as you have to be 4cms to even have gas and air. This did basically nothing as I was in so much pain, so I hopped straight out and asked for pain relief. My midwife gave me something, honestly couldn't tell you what it was, but again it did nothing. It made the space in-between contractions really peaceful but by the time they did come around, I was so tired and it made things 10x harder. Not ideal really. 

It was then that I was basically screaming my head off demanding an epidural. So my midwife popped the tube thing (soz, I don't supply the sciencey words here, clueless) into my hand ready for the epidural. However, no one (including myself) realised that it was far, far too late for this as id managed to go from being 3cms dilated, to 10cms in just an hour, my midwife says this could usually take people up to 10 hours, and it took me just one!? This absolutely terrified as I suddenly realised Id have to push this baby out on gas and air alone. But that's exactly what I did.

A few pushes later, awful, bloody painful pushes later, our little baby was here. The first thing I said was "I did it, without an epidural!" I was so proud of myself.

The pain was honestly like nothing id ever experienced. I don't want to put people off of having babies haha, but it was horrific. Im so glad it was a quick labour as Im not sure I could've coped had it been any longer. 

3 hours later at 10.10am, we made our way back home. Never in my life did I think I would be heading home just 3 hours after having a baby, that seemed mental to me, but everything was fine despite a tiny tear down below, and actually it was so much nicer being back home. 

Finally, before I head off for more baby cuddles, I wanted to say a huge thank you to the lovely people at Very Vez for sending Alfie his very first printed quote (pictured above) to hang on his bedroom wall, we absolutely love it. They've also very kindly given you guys a 10% off code should you fall in love with any of their prints like I did; you just have to use the code SOPH10. 

We are so so in love with our little boy and couldn't feel more proud to call him ours. Its so surreal that he's actually here now, that's taking a while to get our head around haha, but he's just so lovely.

Soph & Matt x

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*this post contains a gifted item, however all comments and opinions are my own and 100% honest because telling lies isn't cool*

LIFE UPDATE | Nursery Sneak Peak & Getting Ready For Labour

Eeeek I'm now 2 weeks & 5 days away from my due date and I won't lie, the realisation of 'shit, I have to birth an actual human' has finally hit me.

I say finally, because Ive been so calm about the whole thing up until now. My mums been constantly asking me (aka; checking up on me) how I'm feeling about the whole thing, and has been really surprised when I just don't seem overly fussed. Ask me now though, and I could give you a list of all the things I'm overthinking or worrying about. 

Buuuut, im not going to tell her that. The moment she knows I'm even slightly nervous about it is the moment where i'll no doubt be smothered, and I'm the kind of person who doesn't want anyone close to me to know that I'm nervous about it, I give off this really confident vibe when actually I'm shitting myself haha. Makes no sense because here I am telling all of you via my blog how terrified I am at the fact I have to push a tiny human out of me, the pain, the bloody pain. Anyway, I've gradually begun getting for labour, so making sure I've got everything for my hospital bag, the babies hospital bag, etcetc. Who knew that at the grand age of 21 id be popping into Boots to buy nipple pads, and gigantic pads for my sore vagina?! Not me haha!! 

The bag was delivered today so I can actually get myself sorted ready for the off; like I've already said my due date is only just over 2 weeks away so essentially, baby could appear whenever he bloody well likes, you better believe I'm avoiding Tesco at all costs, imagine my waters breaking down the frozen food isle?!

We also found out last Friday that baby has finally turned, about time too because he was breech the whole way through. Now he's turned though, means he's getting himself into position to be born which again, tells me it could happen any day now. Golly. 

Aside from being overly worried about birthing this tiny human, everything is going smoothly, babies room is ready for the off, & we have hundreds of nappies so hopefully we won't be running out any time soon. Luckily I've bought a pack or two every month which has been so handy, good thinking Soph, I'm full to the brim of knowledge of how to actually care for a baby after that being my full time job for 5 years, so I think we'll do just fine. 

Until then, I have no doubt in my mind that I'll continue to worry about labour and becoming a mum, but hopefully (really, really hopeful here) I'll be a good one. 

We cannot wait to meet our little man. 

Soph,x

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Life Lately | A Breech Baby?!

If like me, you've heard of the word 'breech' before, but actually have no clue what it means; then just to clarify, it means baby is feet first. Essentially 'the wrong way round'. Not ideal. But we'll get to that in a bit..

Generally, life is going pretty well! Ive kind of been, I guess, making the most of not having a child?! Does that sound a bit harsh? haha.. Ive done more than I ever have done with my life these past few weeks, I spend most evenings with friends, out for food, day trips to Weston for cream tea's, I had a lovely weekend away in Cheddar Woods which was so lovely. I spent a lot of time relaxing whilst dipping my feet into the hottub because annoyingly, if you're pregnant you're not allowed in! Sigh. I had my baby shower, I moved house, all whilst planning and preparing myself for the new arrival. 

I had another check up at my local hospital Friday just gone, about 2 weeks ago I was called in for 'an emergency appointment' because I was measuring 5cm too small for how far gone I was. Turns out all was well, but they discovered baby was breech. Now I've heard this term before, and judging by the look on the ladies face it didn't seem like she was overly pleased, I mean, she was like "WUHAYYYY babies breech!". So yeah, baby is basically the wrong bloody way wrong. Just my luck. So I had another check up Friday just gone to see if he'd turned, nope, course he hasn't. He has 2 weeks left to shimmy around in there, if he doesn't, then it's full steam ahead to prepare for a caesarean. 

Didn't think that would be something I'd have to prepare for, or even want to prepare for. But in my head, that's whats going to be happening. Id rather prepare for the worst and be fully comfortable with it, rather than hoping he will turn and not feel as prepared mentally if he doesn't turn, does that make sense? I dunno. We shall see what happens. 

My dads Birthday gift!

I got really bored with my hair. Im so bad with chopping and changing it, that I randomly rang my hairdressers and said I wanted to go lighter and I got an appointment the same day. I absolutely love it! It adds so much more texture to my hair, I'm thinking of going lighter again, but at £90 a time, I might hold back for a little while.. 

Ive been trying to sort through all the baby shower gifts and just general bits this week, failing already. Baby has so many clothes, more than me, and he isn't even here yet?! 

I have SO MANY baby grows- at my baby shower, pictured in the photo of Han and Tom in the photo above, everyone decorated their own baby grow for baby Dera, so that's over 20 of the things already, not counting what everyone bought me. Definitely need to head into Bristol and buy even more storage.. a sure sign of things to come, I'm sure. 

Im going to try really hard to keep my blog a place where I actually pop regular updates on, although I'm not sure how easy this will be with a newborn! How scary, but I'm so so excited! 

Soph xo

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The Most ADORABLE Baby Shower Gifts

Yesterday was the day of my little mans baby shower! It was absolutely adorable, from the decorations, to the cakes. We received so many gorgeous gifts that it just didn't seem right to not include a few of them in a blog post. 

My living room is currently jam packed with gorgeous baby blue presents, I am completely overwhelmed with the huge amount and truly grateful to my friends and family for being so kind. I had a lovely afternoon spent with those closest to me, here are a select few of the gorgeous gifts baby Dera received; 

How gorgeous are these cupcakes?! The lovely Cath made these little beauties for me, she's very bloody talented & I'm struggling to bring myself to actually eat one- they're too pretty! Visit Caths Facebook page to drool over her amazing creations; Cakes By Catherine

Anything Disney themed is an absolute winner to me; how cute is this Winnie the Pooh baby grow?!

"Together we can fly anywhere"

The prettiest little teapot, cup and saucer. My friend Nin gave this to me, she knows I have a slight obsession with tea haha. This will look so lovely on my kitchen worktop.

I was so emotional throughout the afternoon, surrounded by my closest pals and family, hormones galore as I'm sure you can imagine haha! It was so super lovely seeing Hannah, thank you to you and Tom for making the mammoth journey down to me to celebrate all things baby related, it meant an awful lot. 

Now for the arrival of baby Dera, it's now that I should probably start mentally preparing myself to birth a child.. eek!

Soph xo

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I Moved Out!

*pretends I've been keeping on top of this whole blogging thing and doesn't highlight the fact this is my first post in fucking aaaages*

In all seriousness though, I did go a little awol, sorry about that, being pregnant has been a lot harder than I ever thought it would've been. Ive been pretty poorly with it, non stop sickness, feeling really weak, having low iron levels, baby being the wrong bloody way round. Sigh. Literally feels like everything that could possibly go slightly wrong in a pregnancy has happened to me haha.. however the end is near! I think I have 7 weeks left to go, and I can now officially say I'm having a baby next month, and I am absolutely terrified. Post to follow!

I now know to advise anyone who is heavily pregnant and wants to move house, to just not. Don't do it. Don't put yourself through it haha. I moved house a few weeks ago and it has honestly been exhausting, we've only just got everything how we (aka I, Matt doesn't have a say in these things) want it. Theres a few more bits that need sorting, like curtains?! Who knew curtains were so fucking expensive mind, not me. Shock to the system when I expected decent ones for a tenner. 

It feels like its taken us ages to get settled, which is understandable though because Matt and I have both been working full time still, whilst trying to sort everything out at home. However I've now finally gone on maternity leave!! Which has rolled around SO quickly, cried my eyes out on my last day, but it's meant I've been able to actually clean the house, does this mean I'm an adult now if this is a priority now?! I think so.. eeek.

Anyway, I thought I would share a few pictures of little sections of our living room, more so as a memory for me to look back on.. notice the girly theme going on here.. you honestly wouldn't know Matt lived here haha! 

Little baba's moses basket and heart beat bear!

Hopefully you'll hear regular updates from me soon! If I don't pop early that is!

Soph xo

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