Full Of Regret

This past week has been an absolute whirlwind of emotions. 

My blog has always been a place full of happy memories I want to look back on in years to come, it's never been a place of sadness because really- I've never experienced such sadness. Something I've always found though is writing my feelings down really helps me, hence this post today. It won't be a happy one but happiness isn't always part of life, theres sadness too and unfortunately I've experienced a great amount of sadness this week. 

Ive spent the last 5 days in hospital visiting my granddad. The man who essentially, brought me up along with my dad & nan. He was a very shy man, didn't like new people, and was actually quite anxious in new situations. He'd been poorly for a while, we didn't know this at the time though, he never showed it, I'm guessing because he knew it meant he would have to see a doctor. 

This is the man who never went to the doctors, or the dentist. He was petrified. I don't blame him really, I hate sitting in front of a stranger telling them my woes. That's how we got the stage we're at now. I got a call Sunday evening from my dad telling me granddad wasn't too well, he was in bed, general sickness. I told him i'd go round on the Monday evening after work, but I never got the chance to as he went into hospital Monday morning. 

Last week was a blur. I was in that hospital, every minute of every day, sometimes from 8am till 10pm, in the ICU. (Intensive Care Unit) It felt like no time at all though, days seem to merge into one and it was full of highs and lows, the highs being although granddad couldn't speak, move, or open his eyes, he was able to respond by slightly moving his eyebrows, something that was so comforting to me, as I couldn't see him before he was unconscious. Id tell him Nan was running late as dad took her to Mc'donalds late last night without him, & his eyebrows would go. The lows being he was actually getting worse, even though some parts of him were getting better. 

On Saturday the 12th of November my kind, caring, granddad passed away. We were all there, the whole family surrounding his bedside, I held his hand throughout the whole thing, something I never thought id be able to do. Surprisingly, it's made me not scared of death anymore. He's free of pain, didn't suffer, and didn't react when the machines stopped. It was like he just nodded off. 

Death is a weird thing isn't it? Im lucky to say I haven't really experienced it before now. What I have learned though, is things can change so quickly. so unexpectedly, so quickly. Within a blink of an eye someone you care so much about is gone, for no reason at all. So cruelly snatched away from you. Im struggling to come to terms with it if I'm honest, how my granddad can be here one minute absolutely fine walking around Warminster with me, buying new jumpers, to lying in the ICU completely not there- slowly drifting away. It's mental, and I hate it. 

He leaves behind my Nan, the woman who has never been on her own, who now has to come to term with being without her soulmate. She told me, "life changes so quickly, theres no telling what'll happen next. I miss him so so much, but we did everything we wanted to do, that's what you have to do, anything you want or wherever you want to go, just go. Things happen when you're least expecting it, do it while you can" & I couldn't agree more. 

Never, ever take family for granted. I always expected granddad to be there. Theres so many things I wish I could've done, or maybe even said to him when he was better, I could always be full of regret, but instead I'll cherish the happy memories and that way, he'll live on forever.

Lotsa Love,

Sophxo