"BUT YOU ALWAYS SEEM SO HAPPY SOPH?"

Yeah, that I do.

Not sure where Im going with this post, just need to get it out my system. 

Friday just gone, my friends from work and me headed down the pub like we normally do to have a chin wag over a vodka and coke or two, 6 if you're me. We do this every Friday for 2 hours, to chat about how the week went, if we have anything bothering us, the usual really. Every time we've been I've had so much in my head that I wanted to talk about but for some reason I never did, I kept quiet and listened to everyone else's moans and groans. In fact the last time, I did just that and got completely wasted, which helped actually haha. 

I used to be the type of person who is so open about everything, to a degree I still am really, but with personal problems especially I'm so uptight and won't express how I'm feeling to anyone, I think what I've been through in the past family wise has made me this way. People normally describe me as being a bit of a class clown, my little clan of friends have told me that anyway, I'm always making people laugh and smiling. Which is quite lovely to be thought of in that way, isn't it :)

Truth is I'm actually feeling really, really shit. I have been for a while, and I finally got everything out of my system the Friday just gone. Once I did, everyone looked at me completely shocked, not knowing what to say because the person who is usually really happy and smiley just let them into what is a really shit situation. I don't think they really had much of an idea about it, I mean they knew vaguely, but not fully. My friend just looked at me and said, "oh my god, I cannot believe all this has been going around in your head and you've been so smiley and happy at work, I mean I knew stuff was happening at home, but I had no idea, you'd never have guessed"

To put it bluntly, a year ago my mum and step dad, he's been in my life since I was 18 months, split up. He left her, we had to sell the house. Saying goodbye to that house was really, really hard. Mum and me were left to find somewhere to live, everywhere was too expensive to rent, we couldn't afford anywhere, and we have a dog so that made it even harder. So we decided to move into the house we rent out to people, we used to live in this house as a family years ago so that was difficult moving back into there. 

Mum didn't cope well, but lots of meetings and appointments later she's better, she met someone new- in literally no time at all. Id barely gotten used to moving away from my family, let alone letting a new man in. Im still not ok with it, not yet.

Now, my step dad has decided he wants to sell the house we're living in, as I speak there's currently a family looking around my home, right now. That in itself is difficult. Whats more difficult though, is; remember when I said we couldn't afford anywhere else? we'd only moved in here because my step dad made it cheap so we could afford it. Now we're back in that shit situation, without an option this time though.

So here I am, waiting for the phone to ring to tell me the house has sold, waiting to have to pack up all my shit, without anywhere to go because there is NOTHING on the market in my area, if there is, it doesn't accept pets and it's a ridiculous amount of money. 

I feel like such a dickhead when I moan or get upset about it, because there's people much worse off than me in the world and I should be thankful that I have somewhere to call home for now. I dunno. It just really struck a cord with me, that as soon as I got it all out, and my friends knew what was really happening, I did feel better, but not much.

That also explains the lack of posts recently, I don't have the motivation anymore. But I am trying.

I didn't write this to receive sympathy, for people to feel sorry for me. I dunno why I wrote it to be honest, but this is what my blog was always here for, to rant about things, document things, maybe Ill look back on this post when I'm maybe living somewhere new, and chuckle at how silly I was being.

Hopefully.

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