I've written this post once before, but I just wasn't too chuffed with it, I don't feel like I got my point across too well? I duno.. I may have done, but I feel the need to start over and explain my opinion a bit better!
Where to start, hmm..
Ok, so I've always struggled with my weight, size, whatever. I'm actually quite a diddy person really, I have size 4/5 feet, child like hands, a pea head, tiny wrists, meaning no bracelet in the world fits me properly, and, well, I duno really I'm just very petite! I always have been since I can remember. I remember when I was little, about 7/8 maybe, finding school trousers was always a massive struggle for me, I have quite long legs, but a teeny tiny waist, and did back then too, so the only place I could get literally anything to fit me, was Dorothy Perkins, the petite section. If this didn't make me feel 'different', the next few years certainly would.
It was in year 9 I started to realise how different I looked. I use 'different' as at this age, to me, being normal was something everyone else seemed to be. Like, because I noticed something was wrong, that automatically meant i was different, regardless of everyone else's flaws, or differences. Does that make any sense? I seemed to ignore everyone else's worries about themselves?
It's no secret that I've never been able to put any weight on. You can tell, people noticed, and they made it pretty clear they noticed. Not always discreetly, or even nicely, but that's life ay!
I don't even know why I can't put weight on.. I don't do any exercise (shock horror, I'm sorry, but I just don't haha) I eat a fair amount, so I'm not sure.. It all seems to go on my bum haha. I remember in year 9 I used to say to my friends, "how do I put weight onto my wrists?!?" Haha, I was so self conscious about them, they're tiny. People used to put their hands round them and say "I could wrap my hands twice around your wrists Soph" thanks guys hah..
From year 9-11 people made comments about my weight, you know, the usual, you can imagine. Name calling and what not! "You're so skinny" oh myyyy the amount of hate I have for that word is unreal! Is it just me who thinks calling someone skinny is as bad as saying they're fat? Mad! But yeah, name calling, looks in the changing rooms, not everyone had to say anything to me about it, but you know when you know?
And because of this, I eventually became kind of at war with food. I gradually cut down what I was eating without realising, I lost so much weight, I was tiny already, so you can imagine how awful I looked. Eating became a chore because I just didn't get hungry anymore, I didn't have the energy anymore. It got so bad, to the point I used to take my food to my room and put it in my bin so my mum didn't see. And it stayed that way, no one saw, no one noticed, I mean they noticed how slim I looked, but I was good at hiding it. No one knew, and they still don't to this day.
I don't want to focus on this bit entirely, the year this happened was awful and I was pretty low.. so I'll skip ahead to getting better, I actually did this by myself! I remember looking at myself and not being happy with how I looked, I was tiny and looked really ill. So, with a lot of determination, and I mean a lot, a lot a lot, I gradually increased the size of my meals. Little and often I used to say haha. My stomach grew and I got better. I noticed a change in my moods, skin, and I just generally felt a lot healthier.
I still have off days, it never goes away. It will always be there, but I can control it. There are times when I get into a certain mindset and can't be bothered to eat, but I've trained myself to do otherwise. There are certain things that trigger it, so i just try to avoid them as much I can. Easier said than done I should say.
You're probably thinking Soph why are you even writing this, what're you getting out of it? Well, I was thinking about all of this earlier, and I thought about how happy I was before it all went down hill, and it all went down hill because of other people's opinions. People are always going to be nasty, aren't they? There will always be something or someone getting to you, putting you down, and without sounding really stereotypical, it honestly is just best to ignore it. Live your life the way you want too, if eating a shit load of cake makes you happy, who gives a shit. If looking a certain way encourages other people to make comments, who gives a shit if you're happy.
What I'm trying to say is living your life to please other people is definitely not the way to go. I did this by accident because of being constantly worn down.. and looking back now, I wish I just told people how it is, yknow, the whole "I don't actually give a fuck about what you have to say, your negative opinion means nothing to me because I am comfortable and happy in the way I am. To you I may seem different, unwell, skinny, whatever. But to me, that's literally who I am, and for you to point these things out to make me feel inferior to you is actually pretty disgusting"
I still get comments now and then, but I've came so far, anythings possible when you put your mind to it. I just block the comment out, because, like I said, I'm happy in myself, and that's all that matters.
Before and After..
Sophxo
